A few days ago, an article in the New York Times looked at today’s 20-somethings and examined why this generation seems to be taking so long to “grow up.” In short, the answer was that a new life phase called emerging adulthood was something new to Generation Y and was a description for the phenomenon that on average it takes a lot longer to reach milestones that are indicators of adulthood.
These milestones included completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, getting married and having a child. For generations before, completing these steps meant becoming an adult, it was a chronological thing. Today, things are entirely different. The article described the new coming of age as happening alongside a sense of possibilities, the notion that growing up isn’t a step-by-step process, and we feel we have options for our futures.
Sydney Owen wrote about this feeling. Definitely read about her perspective, I think she’s pretty on-point with a large majority of our peers. For as long as I can remember, the idea of growing up had a rather negative connotation. It indicated in some way that becoming an adult meant giving up freedom to explore the world, make our own choices and be brave enough to take chances to chase dreams.
As I read the New York Times article, I couldn’t help but feel like older generations look at today’s 20-somethings as some sort of failure because most of us aren’t following traditional paths. But I don’t think we can ignore that things are just different now. Life is different. Society is different. Technology is different. Those milestones mean completely different things to me than I think they ever did to my parents.
Completing school. Graduation from high school and/or college is a big step. There is a feeling of accomplishment and relief at having “checked that off the list.” At one time, a degree in hand meant a fairly easy time finding a job that could offer enough money and benefits to achieve independence. That’s just simply not the case anymore. Students are lining up for unpaid internships and hourly wages even with bachelor’s degrees. If we can’t find work, we just go back to school. Borrowing money is easier than ever and we can stay on our parents’ health and car insurance until we’re 25 as long as we’re students. Why no rush to leave academia? It’s a state of mind. School is a safe place to linger while we buy time to figure out how to move on to the next thing.
Leaving home. For many generations before, moving far away from family wasn’t the norm. Now, it is. Students are going to college out of state, they’re studying abroad, they’re moving wherever they can find internships or jobs and “moving back home” is the fallback option. Now, a lot of kids simply don’t want to take on independence, but that mindset has always existed. I’m talking about the kids that are driven to get out on their own, start lives outside the walls their parents raised them and despite their best efforts, just can’t pull it off. Living on your own takes money. Getting money means having a job. Many of today’s 20-somethings entered this phase during a recession and faced a difficult time finding employment. Why aren’t we in a rush to leave the nest for good? It’s a state of mind. If we wait until we’re truly ready and know we can succeed, we’ll no longer have to rely heavily on the backup plan.
Becoming financially independent. Easier said than done. I’m 23, have a full-time salaried job, my own benefits and am off my parent’s payroll (except for the occasional thing here and there). By most standards, I’m doing pretty well. But my savings account? By the time I pay all my bills, put at least 10% of each paycheck in my IRA, buy groceries, put gas in my car, pay off my credit card balance and have something that resembles a social life a couple nights a week, there just isn’t much (if any) left. And that behavior is far outside the spectrum of “normal” financial behavior for people my age. In a good way. Today’s 20-somethings have to put more emphasis on saving than ever before. We’ve got student loans to pay back. We’re going to pay into social security our entire lives and probably never see a dime. We’re not going to have company pensions. If we ever get to retire, we’ll be living entirely off what we’re putting away starting right now. That’s a lot of pressure. Why aren’t we so anxious to cut our ties to our parents’ revenue streams? It’s a state of mind. We want the wiggle room to do what we really want to do while we’re still young.
Getting married. About half of all marriages in the US end in divorce. Our society doesn’t really expect these unions to last. A few bucks, a checked box and two signatures and we can legally pretend a marriage didn’t even happen. Not exactly a model built to last. You don’t have to be married to experience commitment and love. You don’t have to be married to have children. Some states still don’t let gay and lesbian couples get married even if they wanted to. Things are different now than they were for generations past. 20-somethings have a lot they want to accomplish, and when marriage is also called “settling down,” it puts a damper on feeling the freedom to reach those goals. So why aren’t we in a rush to get married in an effort to reach adulthood? It’s a state of mind. We want to fulfill some of our goals as individuals before we have to start working toward them as part of a team. And, honestly, it just makes a lot more sense to reach adulthood BEFORE getting married, don’t you think?
Having a child. Kids are expensive, they become the center of their parents’ lives and entirely change a person’s options for pursuing individual goals. There are other ways to leave a legacy. The moment you bring a child into the world, it’s not about you anymore. Why aren’t we rushing to have babies? It’s a state of mind. We still want to be free to pursue what we want to do and we know we’ve got time left on the biological clock before the option is off the table. And, even then, there’s adoption. Not until much later in life is adding a child to a family no longer an option.
The NYT article asked, “what is it about 20-somethings?” We love our freedom, we feel empowered and we’re not afraid to make self-interested choices. The sense of possibilities isn’t just an idea, it’s a value we’ve been taught since our first day of kindergarten. We got trophies just for showing up. We got rewarded for behaviors that should have been expectations anyway. We were told we could be whatever we wanted to be. Whenever things came crashing down, someone was there to help pick up the pieces. We’ve always known multiple ways to solve problems. We’ve always had the world’s information at our fingertips. Quite literally, we don’t know any other way.
Maybe this can shine some light on what reaching adulthood is really about. Thoughts?
*For the record, I am a college graduate, haven’t lived with my parents for more than a few months since I was 18, am supporting myself financially, believe in getting married for love and no other reason and will only bring a child into the world with a partner that can really handle being a parent. Call me a dreamer, but in many ways, that’s more “grown up” than some of my friends in their 30′s. So, really, let’s be honest, adulthood has nothing to do with milestones. It’s a state of mind.
Photo: Taken with Canon EOS Digital Rebel XTi. Exposure 1/500 sec. Aperture f/3.2. Focal length 28mm. ISO Speed 200.
Good article. I just wanted to point out that the statistic about half of marriages ending in divorce is a widely-repeated urban legend. See for example http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/divorce.htm
However I still think your point is valid.
This is my last year as a 20-something, yikes. (Although, does 29 count as “20-something”?)
I think the biggest thing that 20-somethings need to wrap their hands/heads/minds/hearts/whatever around involving the transition from childhood to adulthood is a single word.
Responsibility.
I look at this issue from my point of view as a dude but certainly this can be applicable for the ladies as well.
You take responsibility for yourself. You get a job, you pay your bills, you take care of your family etc. That to me is the key. You take responsibility for your role in your social circles, church families, friends, other networks etc. You take responsibility for your company/job, you take responsibility for your wife & kids, you take some measure of responsibility for your city, and even on up to other higher social causes.
The 20-somethings of the world that are stuck in between being boys and being men (or girls and women) are stuck in a phase where they think that it is ok to ignore responsibility as long as they can and depend on others. That may or may not be due to enabling family members, friends, or other circumstances. So it may not entirely be someones ‘fault’.
I think we all have different paths toward whatever the future holds for each of us in our family life, (whether you end up single, married, have kids, etc), business life (start a company, business, work for someone, become a peon, work a dead end job), or any other piece of life. I think regardless of where you are in life, to determine whether you are in ‘adulthood’ or ‘childhood’ all comes back to whether or not you take responsibility for yourself in each of those various roles.
Good point, John. Nicely stated.
Great post. Have a few comments but I’d be completely long-winded and not sure they’d make sense other than face to face. Love to discuss this post sometime with you next time we see each other. Read a portion of the NY times article and also had a long discussion with my sister in law today at lunch on the 20-something generation. Interesting points you bring up.
Thanks, Elena. Would love to talk this over with you. Let’s make it happen soon!